I finally told her I was pregnant. He just laughed and got up from behind the table and left. Gone forever. . I did not lie. I was vomiting and nauseous most of the time. For the first few days I thought I was poisoned. I treated myself with the soup and medicine I had at home but it did not work and I was still vomiting. I was afraid. The first thing that came to my mind was AIDS. I told myself that I had not overdone it, and that I had always used a condom in my relationship with Amin, and I was confident in that. But to ease my mind, I went and experimented.
I had thought everywhere; If I had AIDS, I would commit suicide immediately. I even plotted suicide. I take a handful of pills and die. Even before I went to the hospital for the test, I wrote a letter to Amin and put it under my bed. I just wrote about how much I love her and how empty she is in my life. I had written that since he left, my heart and mind have fallen and my hands are not going to do anything. Then I went to the hospital. I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw the test results, but I was still worried about what the vomiting was for.
On the way, when I was returning home by bus, all my eyes were on the test sheet and my mind was flipping through Amin's memories. Some nights when he stays with me, he prepares dinner. Not that he cooked well, he liked to cook himself. I was sitting at the table in the kitchen, Amin was wearing an apron with a lot of jokes and was going to the stove / I liked his mischief very much. Sometimes I would burst out laughing. He burned his hand once and began to cry with a childish cry.
Amad pointed his fingers at me and told me to kiss him so he would get well. I kissed her and brought her lips close and kissed her. We were so busy that all the shamans who were in the fish were swarming. When Amin noticed the burn, he parted his lips from mine and tapped it gently on the head with both hands. And he went and took a vessel of water, and poured it into a trough. Hot oil jumped on both our heads and faces and smoked in the kitchen. I both laughed and we were in pain from the burn. When I woke up, I saw that I was laughing softly and that my arms were looking to my left. Amin used to say at the beginning of our acquaintance that he was not gay, but I did not take him seriously. I told myself that he did not know himself yet, but if we lived together for a few months, he could find out his identity. But Amin insisted on what he said under various pretexts. Last night, before he left forever, when we were both lying naked in bed and he was hugging me from behind, he said that he had decided to get married. With the same girl I had seen many times. Amin had met Sepideh at university and they would go out from time to time. At first I did not think there was a serious problem between them. I mean marriage. I told myself that Amin was satisfied with living with me and that it was impossible for him to leave me because of that girl. I can hear his breath. I listened, but I preferred to go back and start kissing and kissing Amin. He said tonight is the last night. But I did not take his words seriously. Amin - as he himself said - had his first sexual intercourse with me. But how can a handsome young man, who is also heterosexual, have his first relationship with a boy? That's why I used to tell myself that after a few weeks, they would mess with Sepideh and come back to me, in this house. That night, at my insistence, he let me turn off the light and, as usual, I started from his chest. Amin loved it when I ate her breasts. He was moaning so much that I had to hold the front of his mouth with my hands so that the sound would not reach our neighbor. I stared into his half-closed eyes. We just stared at each other for a few minutes until I got drunk and touched her loneliness again with my tongue. I told myself that no girl could hear her enjoy her voice like this, with this brutal originality. No girl will be able to please him like this. When Amin walked behind me to sink - it was not my hand - I felt I was his wife. Not to think of myself as a woman or to feel like an imperfect male body. Not. Amin was so masculine in bed that I enjoyed being a "woman." Even once when we went to the kitchen to have tea and smoke after sex, I told Amin that I would like to have children with you. Amin laughed and lowered his head in embarrassment.
After that night, he did not contact me for two weeks. I missed him. At night, when I went to bed, my chest was heavy and I could not breathe. I would go to the balcony, take a few deep breaths, and go back to bed. I was struggling with myself but I could not sleep. Usually, my eyes would close in the morning and I would wake up at noon with the sound of the mosque call to prayer. I was impatient and nervous. I did not have the heart or mind to go to university. I called Amin one night. Salam and Alik became cold and said that he could not speak now. He said he would call tomorrow and hung up. It was all cold. My shortness of breath became more severe. As soon as I went to the balcony, I started crying. I was right. It was not my hand, I could not stop crying. My heart wanted Amin to be here, next to me. My eyes were constantly on my cell phone, my ear was waiting for the first sound to be heard from the cell phone. I waited all night until night but did not call. I fell asleep from extreme tiredness and wilting. I dreamed of Amin; His back was to me, he turned when I called him. I saw he hugged something. In the dark it was not clear what it was. I asked what is in your hands? As if addressing Sepideh, he said, "Your child." And he stretched out the baby wrapped in the blanket towards me. I was afraid. I hugged the baby. I was afraid to pull the blanket aside to see the baby's face. But I wanted to know as soon as possible what the side of the blanket was. The blanket I pulled aside was as empty as a baby's body. It was strange here that I could feel the weight and smell of the baby but there was nothing in the blanket. I woke up. Finally called. The sound of the street was coming from his phone, I thought maybe he was coming here. He said he was going to Sepideh. I cried unconsciously. He was worried and asked why I was crying. I said I miss you and I want you to be here. He said coldly that he had told me his words that night, the last night. I begged him to come only tonight. I said I'm in a very bad mood. He said he could not, he had set up with Sepideh. I explained the flow of my vomiting to him and said that I had gone for a test but I did not know what my problem was. He said he wanted to go north with Sepideh for a week. He said he would come after the trip. Then he said goodbye and hung up / my shortness of breath was gone, and I was no longer cold. Instead, a strange calm with heavy sadness pervaded the whole body. I was sitting on the balcony with a bottle of alcohol in my hand. All this week my job was to get drunk and smoke and stare at the horizon. Then, out of tiredness and helplessness, I fell asleep and died. I do not know how I ended this week. I did not understand time at all. Even the end of the week when I found out that Amin called. I was not happy. I knew that the trustee who was talking to me was not my trustee. He said he would come to see me at noon tomorrow. But my plan was no different; When Amin came, I was drunk and smoking. He had the key, he had opened the door and he had come home. I poured tea for him. Sitting at the table, in the kitchen. I had nothing to say. He had nothing to say. He played with a cup of tea and sometimes looked at me and lowered his head again. "I'm pregnant."
Tendal
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