Love, what can I say?

Hello, I am Omid, 21 years old. I haven't been with any girl for a long time. I met an 18-year-old girl by chance. Because I don't have a good attitude and I don't have much self-confidence. Some time passed from our relationship when I realized that it was over and I fell in love with him so much that I loved him so much that I didn't even want to hold his hand, let alone a relationship and a kiss. He was my ex-friend and I had a relationship with him, and because of his words, I loved him so much, I was not willing to listen to him. I was, but it was still hard for me to fall in love with him. In short, some time passed when I told him that I also want to have sex with you. At first, he resisted until I satisfied him. I only had sex with him once or twice, and I felt that I love him more than before. Knowing all his past, I couldn't stop loving him, and after a month I married him and moved to another city. I am satisfied with him, but I also hate him because I love him so much, maybe you think it's a lie, but God is witness, I didn't say anything but the truth. I don't know if you love him or not.